Tips to Not Die in a Real Life Horror Movie When You’re Home Alone

Yo!

So I had this idea to do this while I was talking to some people and figured,”Hey, why not?” So I feel like it would be cool to create a list of things I do when I’m left home alone so I don’t end up being in some supernatural, alien-fied, super murder, teen killer horror movie that would probably not do well for Box Offices everywhere and end up being remade into a Supernatural episode for season 25 or something.

So here’s my list with explanations!:

1) Don’t look into any mirrors that has a door opened adjacent to the room:

My reasoning for this is mainly because my over-imaginative  brain always switches the darkness coming from my parent’s open bedroom to look like Sadako or Kayako from the Grudge  or The Ring just standing there, ready to cut my head off with an axe or something. Plus, it’s one of the many jump scares that is very common in horror movies, especially if the bathroom is one of the major places the main characters go. Or if the bathroom mirror is one of those that can open into a medicine cabinet or something.

2) Don’t be mean to any dolls or stuffed animals or any inanimate objects

This should be really obvious. I mean, have you ever seen a movie where the doll attacked the people that actually treated them nicely? We’re excluding dolls that possess the children that treat them nicely because in all actuality, they’re technically not the child anymore so there’s little chances of the child actually being hurt by the demon or whatever that possesses the kid unless it was suicide. But back to the point: if you have any inanimate objects of any kind, treat them like you want to be treated, cause they’re less likely to go out for revenge to kill you cause of mistreatment. Like seriously, trust me on this one. I’ve been nice to all my things (or at least tried to treat them decently) and never once have I’ve seen one try to kill me… yet…

3) Don’t go investigate any strange noises that are happening upstairs…

… because it’s 99% likely a demon living in your attic or shuffling through your things and not a burglar. If you think it’s a robber trying to get your stuff from UPSTAIRS, look outside through your windows and look for a ladder or something that definitely seems fishy. Cause there’s a chance that the robber has a gun and it’s better to be safe than sorry for both possibilities. If it’s neither, that 0.00000000001% that people with minds like mine think about as the last resort, it’s the house shifting because of neighbors (if you live in an apartment) or… well, if it’s a house, I have little idea why there’s a shift in your house. In any case, demons or poltergeists aren’t really the best to go against by yourself, despite what movies show. Cause it’s terrifying  to go alone… And none of us have anybody to give us things because it’s dangerous.

4) If you think it’s aliens…

… it’s probably an alien. Gather all the water you can in case they’re the aliens from Signs and if it’s not, well, use your last waking moment of either not being abducted or killed and used for alien ingredients to see if there’s any other ways to harm an extraterrestrial. If you have the Alienology book in, what I call, the Ology series (the large books with pictures like Dragonology or Wizardology, etc), then look in that to see if there are any more tips for this topic, because aliens isn’t really a forte I plan to look into because they scare the sh*t out of me…

5) NEVER USE A OUIJA BOARD WITHOUT A SPECIALIST!!!

I’ve seen too many movies, videos, and even American Horror Story: Coven to know that that’s a bad idea to do alone. In fact, don’t even touch a Ouija board with a group of friends. Whether you believe in the Spiritual Realm or not, this is one of the tips I WANT you to follow. Terrible things happen with Ouija boards and my friend America and I agree that it’s one of the “games” that’s particularly dangerous. Not only can you be possessed by demons, ghosts, and poltergeists that could be out to get you, but friends who don’t know the dangers of this board will pressure you into playing it even if you say that you won’t be pressured. If you really feel the need to talk to spirits and want to use the Ouija, then go to a psychic (even a “fake” one would do) and have them be with you. And they have to be experienced. Because there’s a chance that they would no what to do if things go bad. So, to make this short, don’t play this by yourself at home when you’re alone.

6) Don’t watch scary movies or videos unless you’ve seen them before

I’ve done this before so I know how bad it could be. I was alone watching a bunch of videos that involved ghosts and creatures and conspiracies and such while it was dark and I managed to not go to sleep until 4 in the morning because of it. Also because I don’t trust 3 AM unless it was truly dire, like I had school in the morning or something. But this doesn’t mean you can’t watch scary movies. I’ve watched Resident Evil: Apocalypse by myself along with Hush , though I’ve seen the former many times and still managed to pee myself on expected scares and the latter was new, so not that scary. I guess this is more of a caution, depending on how scared you can get.

7) If you live near woods, try not to look outside your window when it’s dark and into the woods

My reasoning for this is related to the first tip: eyes can play tricks on you in the dark. If you have a knowledge of creatures, scenes, or anything related to scary things, then they’ll project those thoughts into your eyes. For example, if you know about Slenderman, than there’s a chance you’d think Slenderman was hanging between the tall trees in the dark even though it’s just a tree in the daylight. Or, if you’ve seen the Simpsons episode where it was X-Files themed, then you might think an alien is in there when it’s really just *SPOILERS* Mr. Burns. This is also, just a caution, but you won’t have anyone to run to for safety when you scare yourself and need something to calm you down and cute and happy videos on YouTube doesn’t help.

8) Don’t experiment with anything psychic related without research and precautions

This is like the one about Ouija boards. Tarot cards, crystals, lucid dreaming, and calling a spirit are some examples. Inexperience without research could possibly cost you your life (if you believe such things) and there goes your happy evening in solitude. Now, I know I’m contradicting myself, because I used tarot cards when I was by myself, but I must say that I didn’t touch a card at all until I read the book that my set came with, explaining what to do, what each card meant, and how to possibly read cards depending on the questions. I know, I know, they’re new and shiny and you just want to play with it (or experience it, depending on lucid dreaming) but still, it would make me feel better if you at least don’t jump right in as soon as you get it without learning it correctly.

9) The dark isn’t always your friend

Some people love the dark and feel safe, but not everyone. Being alone and in the dark is always one of my fears if there’s a storm outside, because the dark can play tricks on your mind and it’s terrifying, thinking there’s a face among the shadows when really it’s just the light switch on the wall. So, while you may feel comfortable with the dark, you shouldn’t rely on it when you’re alone.

10) And (just because) always trust a child or an animal if they see something you can’t

There’s a reason why children and animals can sense things adults can’t. It’s because their mind is so innocent or they’re not as corrupt or aware as an adult would be (or that’s what I think). So if a child starts looking at a wall and clearly isn’t zoning out and looking like they’re listening to someone talking and nothing is on, follow Ryan Higa’s words and GTFO. If a dog or cat is acting clearly out of norms at nothing, GTFO. And if, for some reason you don’t listen to your instincts to GTFO, then you must be a character from Cabin in the Woods and deserve whatever you get. Because I’m sure there’s already been a bunch of warning that something isn’t right. Like, if the blood on the wall wasn’t there five minutes ago and you ignored it, it’s gonna be your fault.

 

 

So there you have it. Ten tips I felt were important enough to start talking about and giving to those interested on when you’re home alone and you don’t feel like being a victim of a horror movie in real life.

Note: I did not mention clowns or anything on surveillance cameras because I’ve never experienced such things. Also, I don’t feel like talking or thinking about clowns for a third day in a row. It’s bad enough that clown zombies and clown snakes have been thought of.

 

さよなら!!

 

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